VALENTINE’S DAY IS LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY and it’s my second favorite “holiday” next to New Year’s Eve.
Single on this day can be a total shot to the heart. On the one hand, my cheerful friends with their loving partners inform me “at least you can go with whoever you want.” On the other, I kind of want to punch them in the face.
When flying solo during this time of the year geared toward couples, I often feel the farthest thing from wonderful. The romantic movies that take over the cinemas, the “hearts and cherubs” decor at the mall and almost every point of sight, all that David Pomeranz music—it can make me feel pretty lonely.
I honestly want to ask Stephan Jenkins out on Valentine’s Day, maybe have dinner or watch “Call Me By Your Name,” hoping it’s still on after a week from its opening on January 31. I also plan to bring him flowers or chocolates or a teddy (I’m cheesy like that, don’t judge), or a bottle of Jack which I think he would prefer. But even the thought takes tons of courage to even say the damn invite. This scares me lot that he might give another “Let’s see” and I’ll end up giving a smile emoji and an “it’s cool” cop-out.
He has all the right to subtly reject my asking him out, I know. We’re NOT EVEN DATING, for crying out loud. He doesn’t need to please me, to make me feel special, or to pretend he enjoys my company. Though I like him a lot, I can’t expect him to feel the same about me. All we shared besides salivas and sweats were mere late night meetings, occasional exchange of messages, and the one Sunday morning we ate at McDonald’s. I’m the only one hoping we could do something else; perhaps more. Do I complain? Partly yes. Do I let him know? I wish I have it in my gut.
Part of being someone’s “bitch”—his word, not mine—is the stupid, upsetting stuff: getting attached, hoping it leads to something other than sex, putting your hope into it. Extra hits if the guy you’re having this kind of set-up with is doing all the things you wish he’d do with you and to you with other people and you have no say because it doesn’t work that way.
A month ago over text, Izzy—one of my girl friends—expressed her concern about my choices and decisions lately when I told her about him. She said maybe the reason I remain interested with him until now is because I enjoy the chase and it’s thrilling for me to “want what you can’t completely have.” Can’t say she’s right, but maybe it’s true. Maybe I confuse infatuation with ego.
I guess I should stop wanting him and go for someone else, which by the way I’ve already tried several times since our last meeting but failed. Men these days would almost always only want me for sex and nothing more—at least the guys that I like.
Another thing my friend said that had me revisit all the bad dates and exes I have had: “what you allow is what will continue.” That’s a cold, hard truth you guys. Cold. Hard. Truth.
Okay, now I feel stupid. But whatever.
All you lucky people have less than a month to keep your loving partners or dates in time for Valentine’s so please, pretty please, don’t fck it up. If he/she wants to see one of God’s gifts to humanity that is Jamie Dornan on the big screen a.k.a. “Fifty Shades Freed,” go watch it. Because love is about compromise, even it’s often stupid.