You’re a lost boy.

I have lost count how many times you have messed up just as how many times I shrugged it off and forgave you. Nobody is counting, but we both know there had been countless occasions. It got too exhausting now.

It was a risk when you offered me the “boyfriend” label but you made it so convincing that I fell for it. Both my heart and mind trusted that this time it’s different. You were going along with me to make it work.

Now that the cat is out of the box, even I try to get past what you did, I’m just going to be paranoid every time you’re out going to work, to the gym, hanging out with your friends, or even getting a massage! It’s never going to be the same. I will not believe you anymore. Because all I see is you want to have sex with other guys. You want to keep fooling around, and it disappoints me that you’re doing that because I may not be enough.

It may just be sex to you, but to me it isn’t. Commitment means the world to me. It’s not a passport that you renew when it expires. Or car parts that you replace when the engine breaks. There is so much more to a relationship than having sex or making love. You’re old enough to know that.

Sure, it’s just a blowjob or a one-time bareback sex with a random guy and it isn’t going to affect what you feel about me or the life that we share together. But I care about what we do to and for each other.

Perhaps that’s the difference between  us. You view this relationship in an oppposite perspective. To you, everyone slips up and it should be okay. I may slip up, yes. Who knows, right?! But the difference is that I’m not looking for a hall-pass to slip up. Because I am with you. Because I would prove that what I have with you is much more than some quick thrill. Because I love you and I care about us.

Ask me again in five years, maybe I’ll feel differently. But all I know right now is I want to make the choice to not fck other people and you can’t or won’t try to be monogamous, so where does that put us?

Beb, you’re a lost boy; and you’re not ready to be found.