testosterone boy

sad, beautiful, tragic.

Category: Uncategorized

This looks like my next mistake.

If I was tired as we leant against each other in the backseat of the cab, it was mixed with the headiness I felt I shared with him. Going to Valero Street was all right by me. It would be a good finale to a good night out.

Neither of us spoke much during the ride. He mostly talked. About go-go boys, drag performers, the bug bites he got from the beach, adopting to help control the population. But for most of the time, there was silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence we shared, but rather one of safety and comfort. I was looking forward to his place.

The cab drew up a block of buildings. He pulled himself up from the backseat, rifled in his wallet for the fare and paid it. I followed him up to his room on the 17th floor of Tower 2.

He let us both into the unit and once we’re settled, he went to the small kitchen area to get me a glass of cold water then he excused himself to use the bathroom.

Looking around the place, my first impression was that it was untidy. A refuge from his hectic schedule at work. It appeared to me that in spite of his busy hours in the office and recent travels since he came back from the States, he was at least aware that he needs to recharge his batteries because the bed was made.

He came back all fresh and clean from the shower wearing a black underwear, and cuddled up beside me on his bed. His dog joined in and one of our hands rubbed its back, our spare hands entwined in each other. I couldn’t hide the sleepiness in my eyes, I was dog-tired. And just sitting there, comfy on the bed, it was really nice to end an evening.

We fvcked, we showered, we went back to bed and chatted. Hours passed and we just stayed at each other’s glow until we both fell asleep, locked in each other’s arms.

We are never ever getting back together.

In the beginning I was only curious to know you. There was that sense of urgency to try to give in to your hype and popularity. I knew I had to get my hands, my head, and my body on you. I was intrigued and fascinated and overwhelmed by how many people are so into you. You’re everyone’s cup of tea.

At first I thought it would be so cool to try something totally out of my comfort zone. Something different and wild and free.

I remember our first time like it was just yesterday. I was at a friend’s party, I had downed multiple shots of tequila, my head started to feel heavy and my vision blurry—that’s when we had gotten to start chatting. True enough, one thing led to another. It was fun! It was more than what I had expected it to be like.

We had several encounters since.

You have helped me in so many ways. I have learned to come into terms with my sexual desires because you introduced me to a lot of guys who wanted completely different things, whether it was in bed or in hanging out. You have allowed me to show the side of me that isn’t reserved or alienated to the kind of sex I only know how to do. I got to meet cool people through you, and those not-so cool ones too! You have helped me battle my fear of rejection because each time we had done it, it was effortlessly easy to get someone to like me without having to share my stories and without having to be vulnerable and open and careful. I was fearless. I was brave. I had everyone at the palm of my hands.

We have shared numerous exciting times! Like when you had me meet a gorgeous guy at Glorietta 3, only to have found out that he was neither gorgeous nor a guy lol. That was real shitty but funny at the same time!

I have known you for 4 years now and although you have greatly influenced my life on so many levels, parting time is here. We have to bid farewell to everything that we had shared in those years. Know that I will forever and always grateful to have found you, because life would have been more scary and dramatic had I not met you.

During those times when I didn’t have anyone to help me get through some shitty stuff, you were there to comfort me. When my room was getting too warm due to my excess body heat, you were always there to make it less stifling. You made me happy so effortlessly. I have always been alone; but with you by my side, I didn’t have to be lonely. You were the orange light at the end of my dark tunnel.

You have introduced me to different types of people I would have never met on this level in real life—

effeminate
discreet
twink
jock
top
bottom
versatile

IMG_1823,thank you.

As much as it is entertaining to keep you on my phone, the experiences we have shared veered me away from the reality I should have faced a long time ago—online dating is almost always never going to work or suffice to genuine happiness. At least not for me.

Today I am going to delete you from my device. I’m sure you will continue to service other gay guys throughout the globe, but it has gotten exhausting to me now. We are never ever getting back together.

Like ever.

The lingering question kept me up.

I know your first name is not Isaac.

I have been going over and over in my head seeing your face, seeing you look at me, seeing your eyes behind your glasses and how badly I want to spend my days and nights with you.

I keep fantasizing you’re here, what I would want you to do to me—

kissing me,
playing with my nipples,
playing with my dick, or just
sleeping, and
waking up next to me.

I can still see your puppy eyes staring at me, I couldn’t believe it was happening.

Usually I’m the one who steals a glance and make eye contact, check out the hottest person near me. At first, I couldn’t tell. Were you actually checking me out, or was it me…wanting it to be true?

Today was different. You walked up to me wearing your denim jacket with ALONE printed on the back and tight starched jeans. As we walked, we were talking, I didn’t say half the things I wanted to. You had to leave so you asked for my phone and keyed in your number. I was so excited of the thought that it was really happening that I accidentally deleted it.

If you read this post get back to me, so we can do nasty and romantic things to each other.

I’m frustrated.

I’m excited.

I’m enchanted to meet you even I just made this all up to justify my reason for smiling. I like you and that is why I am smiling. This is the type of smile that makes the muscles on your face tired, but you really don’t give a damn whether they’re sore and you keep smiling for as long as you can remember.

All those other guys, well they’re beautiful and your type. But would they write a mojito-induced blog entry about you?

You’re just a lost boy. 

I have lost count how many times you have messed up just as how many times I shrugged it off and forgave you. Nobody is counting, but we both know there had been countless occasions. It got too exhausting now.

It was a risk when you offered me the “boyfriend” label but you made it so convincing that I fell with it. Both my heart and mind trusted that this time it’s different. You were going along with me to make it work.

Now that the cat is out of the box, even I try to get past what you did, I’m just going to be paranoid every time you’re out going to work, to the gym, hanging out with your friends, or even getting a massage! It’s never going to be the same. I will not believe you anymore. Because all I see is you want to have sex with other guys. You want to keep fooling around. And it disappoints me that you’re doing that because I may not be enough.

It may just be sex for you, but to me it isn’t. Commitment means the world to me. It’s not a passport that you renew when it expires. Or car parts that you repair when the engine brokes. There is so much more to a relationship than having sex or making love. You’re old enough to know that.

Sure, it’s just a blowjob or a one-time bareback sex with a random guy and it isn’t going to affect what you feel about me or the life that we share together. But I care about what we do to and for each other.

Perhaps that’s what is different about us. You view this relationship in an oppposite perspective. To you, everyone slips up and it should be okay. I may slip up, yes. Who knows, right? But the difference is that I’m not looking for a hall-pass to slip up. Because I’m with you. Because I would prove that what I have with you is much more than some quick thrill. Because I love you and I care about us.

Ask me again in 5 years, maybe I’ll feel differently. But all I know right now is I want to make the choice to not fuck other people and you can’t or won’t try to be monogamous, so where does that put us?

You’re just a lost boy. You’re not ready to be found.

Leave this blue neighborhood.

On Wednesday morning, I was finishing up on my graveyard shift when I started to feel itchiness in my throat. Shit! I knew it was not going to be a good day for sleeping.

True enough, the coughing and feverish feeling came forward later in the day when I got up to prepare for an evening commitment. My head was heavy and it felt as if gravity was ready to knock me down the bathroom floor.

I still fought the distress my body was all too susceptible to succumb into. I went to my Wednesday night thing.

That same day I was awoken by my ringing phone: it was my sister. To my joy, I straightened up and began asking about her and mom and our other siblings and her daughter! I was just ecstatic to have had to catch up with her! I didn’t let her speak in our first two minutes on the phone, until she stopped me with―

Kuya, kelangan ko ng pera. Padala ka naman.” Brother, I need money. Please send me.

Then the next couple of minutes I had her on the line circled to why/when/how much do you need? That was it. That was all. Of course.

You know, the thing about my sister is that she maintains her communication with me, which makes me happy. She never fails to reach out whenever they need something i.e. money, hand-me-down clothes or cellphones, money. She is very consistent at that. Even my mom. Which is also sad, because I don’t really feel they care about me. At all. Well maybe they’re confident that I can manage on my own.

But it sucks. Big time!

I always have to live with the fact that the very people I expect to express affection in me are the same people who show otherwise. Hence I had become hopeful-to-the-extent-of-clingy to the idea that other people outside my family tree should give me the care and love and attention and affection I try so hard to receive. This is very upsetting, tbh. And annoying, I should add.

Other people should not be obliged to show their interest or attention in me. But I tend to shove it down their throats often that it becomes sickeningly hard to swallow. I make them feel responsible to shower me with affection―

 

with understanding
with acceptance
with love

 
And I know it is not right. I am truly and utterly sorry for being this way. I just feel so alone and neglected and uncared for. I hate to be this person. I hate to have this behavior. I hate myself for acting this way. I just couldn’t help it sometimes.

I want to leave this blue neighborhood and never come back. I just couldn’t find it in my gut to know how.

😭

Dear John,

Hey.

So I’ve listed below the things I appreciate that you did for me in no particular order. I hope that when you read this, you won’t just think about the bad times but also the good moments we shared and loved and enjoyed together. I know I will.

Okay. In no particular order:

1. You let me sleep on your chest because you knew how secured it made me feel.
2. I remember when you used to surprise me with fruity gummy bears. They’re the yummiest!
3. You watched cartoons with me even when you think they’re ridiculous.
4. On weekends when you’re in the mood, you’d cooked spaghetti for lunch with less onions because you knew I don’t like them in my food.
5. One Christmas Day, you took me to your brother’s house to have lunch with his family together with your mom. It was very nice.
6. You told me that you had chosen to be with me than somebody else because you said you’re happier when we’re together.
7. It made me feel loved when you told me I am the person you wanna spend your weekends with.
8. When you told me that you love me when we were at your friend’s hotel. That was the first time you looked at me, said the words “I love you,” and sealed it with a kiss. Sparks flew around us that moment. It was awesome! And
9. I appreciate that you showed me love and care and affection like you meant them even when you didn’t. So
10. Thanks for trying.

He’s so bad, but he does it so well.

imageHis words struck me as cold. My vision went pitch-black, my pulse quickened, my hands trembled. I had just showered that evening but I felt as if sweat was crawling all over my body. Then there were tears running down my eyes.

I felt defeated. For the nth time.

My closest friends have always been frank that I should stop letting myself fall for his fast-food love. They say I deserve to be treated fairly and be respected. What I have with him is a broken record. The fighting and keeping secrets go on and on. The routine doesn’t stop. And I just go with it. I keep coming back.

I don’t know what is wrong with me!? If it’s masochism or plain stupidity, I’m not sure which best fits what I had been doing the past 3 years. He tells me one thing and does the complete opposite. Every. Single. Time. I honestly want to let go. It’s just I love him this much that it weighs greater than all of his lackings and failures as a so-called lover.

This is all fvcked up.