Long handwritten note deep in my pocket.
People would almost always going to ask how my day went at work, or how am doing in general to start a conversation. My answer is always I am good/fine. Or at least I think I am because it’s what normal and sane people would say.
Work was fine. I had a client sat in my class to watch me play an irrelevant video using a terrible speaker. I knew I had to change it but 1. it was already playing and 2. I got too ashamed to stop and replace the video, so 3. I sucked it up and went on with it. It was awful. I. Was. Awful.
Also, I think all the shit everybody’s going through at the office will soon be just yesterday’s news. Eventually, things will pan out okay and people will be just fine, whether it be with the problems they face or practically the decisions they’ve made and battles they keep fighting for.
But you know, it is true that no matter how much you tell yourself ‘everything is gonna be okay’ and you tell everyone you are fine, the moment you lay on your bed is the time it’s gonna tell you otherwise. It all settles in. The disappointment that your father you had hoped to see for the first time went AWOL, the sadness over people saying that you’re a bitch and they can’t live with that, the fake smiles you put to mask the pain, the reality of it all. All these cruel things you keep at bay suddenly crashes on the surface. You couldn’t control it.
However you try to pretend every day there is something to be happy about, deep inside you know something is not right. Nothing has ever been. Even the sincerest of laughs simply could not hide the fact that although you are okay outside, you are not fine at all inside.
When good things happen, you try so hard to hold on to it. And you do that, too, when certain people make you feel happy. You don’t want to lose that moment. You become determined not to let them go. Everything becomes like an amazing Christmas vacation that passes fleetingly. It makes you less sad and a little more alive than you ever were. You need it.
I need it.
Now if you ask me how am I doing? Ask me again tomorrow.