testosterone boy

sad, beautiful, tragic.

The lingering question kept me up.

I know your first name is not Isaac.

I have been going over and over in my head seeing your face, seeing you look at me, seeing your eyes behind your glasses and how badly I want to spend my days and nights with you.

I keep fantasizing you’re here, what I would want you to do to me—

kissing me,
playing with my nipples,
playing with my dick, or just
sleeping, and
waking up next to me.

I can still see your puppy eyes staring at me, I couldn’t believe it was happening.

Usually I’m the one who steals a glance and make eye contact, check out the hottest person near me. At first, I couldn’t tell. Were you actually checking me out, or was it me…wanting it to be true?

Today was different. You walked up to me wearing your denim jacket with ALONE printed on the back and tight starched jeans. As we walked, we were talking, I didn’t say half the things I wanted to. You had to leave so you asked for my phone and keyed in your number. I was so excited of the thought that it was really happening that I accidentally deleted it.

If you read this post get back to me, so we can do nasty and romantic things to each other.

I’m frustrated.

I’m excited.

I’m enchanted to meet you even I just made this all up to justify my reason for smiling. I like you and that is why I am smiling. This is the type of smile that makes the muscles on your face tired, but you really don’t give a damn whether they’re sore and you keep smiling for as long as you can remember.

All those other guys, well they’re beautiful and your type. But would they write a mojito-induced blog entry about you?

So here’s to the silence that cuts me to the core.

You would never understand how terrified and depressed and lonely I am now, ever since you and I said farewell. I’m not the same person anymore.

I hope it to be easy. It’s not.

Every person I meet reminds me of you and how they are not going to be you. My world revolved around the idea that I’ve found my Forever Person in you; now that you’re gone, I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone that could love me the way you did, or if I ever going to love someone as much I loved you.

This is the next page in my life where I have to get used to not being with the person I had hoped I could be with forever. This is me praying that you’d come back, say you love me, and you are going to stay with me to continue the life we shared for 10 years. This is me wishing for all this pain to just stop.

Because I miss you—

and your returning home
your playing the piano
your library of books
your set of old films
your love songs
your embrace
your writing
your love
your sex
you.

Tomorrow I’m flying to Seoul. We were supposed to go there together, remember? I’m bringing a camera with me to capture the beauty of the city and watch everything in silence. I’m hoping to discover new things during my stay, maybe meet new people. I’m hoping to find myself there, hoping when I return home I could be the new version that is moved on and happy and optimistic that you’re gone for the better. But as cheesy and cliché as it is, I’m hoping to find you.

And in the cold weather of Seoul, your warm embrace would comfort me and I would cry in your arms and you would never let me go.

You would say, “forever and always, baby” even when you don’t mean it. I would take it all in for as long I could remember, until I decide it’s only mindless dreaming.

You’re just a lost boy. 

I have lost count how many times you have messed up just as how many times I shrugged it off and forgave you. Nobody is counting, but we both know there had been countless occasions. It got too exhausting now.

It was a risk when you offered me the “boyfriend” label but you made it so convincing that I fell with it. Both my heart and mind trusted that this time it’s different. You were going along with me to make it work.

Now that the cat is out of the box, even I try to get past what you did, I’m just going to be paranoid every time you’re out going to work, to the gym, hanging out with your friends, or even getting a massage! It’s never going to be the same. I will not believe you anymore. Because all I see is you want to have sex with other guys. You want to keep fooling around. And it disappoints me that you’re doing that because I may not be enough.

It may just be sex for you, but to me it isn’t. Commitment means the world to me. It’s not a passport that you renew when it expires. Or car parts that you repair when the engine brokes. There is so much more to a relationship than having sex or making love. You’re old enough to know that.

Sure, it’s just a blowjob or a one-time bareback sex with a random guy and it isn’t going to affect what you feel about me or the life that we share together. But I care about what we do to and for each other.

Perhaps that’s what is different about us. You view this relationship in an oppposite perspective. To you, everyone slips up and it should be okay. I may slip up, yes. Who knows, right? But the difference is that I’m not looking for a hall-pass to slip up. Because I’m with you. Because I would prove that what I have with you is much more than some quick thrill. Because I love you and I care about us.

Ask me again in 5 years, maybe I’ll feel differently. But all I know right now is I want to make the choice to not fuck other people and you can’t or won’t try to be monogamous, so where does that put us?

You’re just a lost boy. You’re not ready to be found.

He’s all you wanted―

You met him online. You exchanged pictures. He said you were cute. You told him he’s very attractive. He was sweet. He seemed genuine and kind. His game peaked your interests. You were keen to get to know him more. 

After a few weeks of constant exchange of messages and phone calls, you both agreed to be in a relationship, in which you believed he was sincerely up for. Every night you slept soundly knowing that in the morning his work was finished and you would text each other on his way home while you’re on way to work. His evenings were your mornings but you made it all work. It was a long-distance relationship you had hoped to work. 

Months passed. He was consistently checking up on you, telling you how much he loved you, and planning to meet you in person soon. He was leading you on to hold to his promise of commitment. More importantly, of faith and love. You were naive to trust him

One day, you were so excited to show him your new haircut. You thought he was going to like you more. You told your friends he was going to love your new hairstyle. When you got him on the phone, all your excitement was returned with a hard blow to your chest.

He ended the relationship because he had met someone on Grindr. He admitted they had been meeting for 2 weeks now. There you had hoped it was just a bad joke. But it was all real. He was breaking up with you. 

It was the most painful feeling you had ever felt. You didn’t know what to say or how to react at that moment. All there was left for you was drown in the ocean of pain that came surging forward all the while trying to search what went wrong. 

He tried to reason with you but it was not helping at all. You were devasted. You cried like you had never cried before. He was all you wanted

―but not like this. 

P.S.

I’m sorry, friend. I should be telling you that everything’s gonna be fine and that there are other guys out there for you. Something to uplift your spirit. But sometimes, it just sucks that power words won’t suffice. 😞

Leave this blue neighborhood.

On Wednesday morning, I was finishing up on my graveyard shift when I started to feel itchiness in my throat. Shit! I knew it was not going to be a good day for sleeping.

True enough, the coughing and feverish feeling came forward later in the day when I got up to prepare for an evening commitment. My head was heavy and it felt as if gravity was ready to knock me down the bathroom floor.

I still fought the distress my body was all too susceptible to succumb into. I went to my Wednesday night thing.

That same day I was awoken by my ringing phone: it was my sister. To my joy, I straightened up and began asking about her and mom and our other siblings and her daughter! I was just ecstatic to have had to catch up with her! I didn’t let her speak in our first two minutes on the phone, until she stopped me with―

Kuya, kelangan ko ng pera. Padala ka naman.” Brother, I need money. Please send me.

Then the next couple of minutes I had her on the line circled to why/when/how much do you need? That was it. That was all. Of course.

You know, the thing about my sister is that she maintains her communication with me, which makes me happy. She never fails to reach out whenever they need something i.e. money, hand-me-down clothes or cellphones, money. She is very consistent at that. Even my mom. Which is also sad, because I don’t really feel they care about me. At all. Well maybe they’re confident that I can manage on my own.

But it sucks. Big time!

I always have to live with the fact that the very people I expect to express affection in me are the same people who show otherwise. Hence I had become hopeful-to-the-extent-of-clingy to the idea that other people outside my family tree should give me the care and love and attention and affection I try so hard to receive. This is very upsetting, tbh. And annoying, I should add.

Other people should not be obliged to show their interest or attention in me. But I tend to shove it down their throats often that it becomes sickeningly hard to swallow. I make them feel responsible to shower me with affection―

 

with understanding
with acceptance
with love

 
And I know it is not right. I am truly and utterly sorry for being this way. I just feel so alone and neglected and uncared for. I hate to be this person. I hate to have this behavior. I hate myself for acting this way. I just couldn’t help it sometimes.

I want to leave this blue neighborhood and never come back. I just couldn’t find it in my gut to know how.

😭

Dear John,

Hey.

So I’ve listed below the things I appreciate that you did for me in no particular order. I hope that when you read this, you won’t just think about the bad times but also the good moments we shared and loved and enjoyed together. I know I will.

Okay. In no particular order:

1. You let me sleep on your chest because you knew how secured it made me feel.
2. I remember when you used to surprise me with fruity gummy bears. They’re the yummiest!
3. You watched cartoons with me even when you think they’re ridiculous.
4. On weekends when you’re in the mood, you’d cooked spaghetti for lunch with less onions because you knew I don’t like them in my food.
5. One Christmas Day, you took me to your brother’s house to have lunch with his family together with your mom. It was very nice.
6. You told me that you had chosen to be with me than somebody else because you said you’re happier when we’re together.
7. It made me feel loved when you told me I am the person you wanna spend your weekends with.
8. When you told me that you love me when we were at your friend’s hotel. That was the first time you looked at me, said the words “I love you,” and sealed it with a kiss. Sparks flew around us that moment. It was awesome! And
9. I appreciate that you showed me love and care and affection like you meant them even when you didn’t. So
10. Thanks for trying.

He’s so bad, but he does it so well.

imageHis words struck me as cold. My vision went pitch-black, my pulse quickened, my hands trembled. I had just showered that evening but I felt as if sweat was crawling all over my body. Then there were tears running down my eyes.

I felt defeated. For the nth time.

My closest friends have always been frank that I should stop letting myself fall for his fast-food love. They say I deserve to be treated fairly and be respected. What I have with him is a broken record. The fighting and keeping secrets go on and on. The routine doesn’t stop. And I just go with it. I keep coming back.

I don’t know what is wrong with me!? If it’s masochism or plain stupidity, I’m not sure which best fits what I had been doing the past 3 years. He tells me one thing and does the complete opposite. Every. Single. Time. I honestly want to let go. It’s just I love him this much that it weighs greater than all of his lackings and failures as a so-called lover.

This is all fvcked up.